Emmett had just parked the hummer outside of Saint James Cathedral. He had also just received his first smack-upside-the-head of the New Year, courtesy of Rosalie. The smack being the result of his statement regarding The Feast of the Circumcision being proof that God was indeed a man because “No chick would allow an entire day to be dedicated to the schlotskin!”
I hope God doesn’t decide to punish Emmett while I’m standing too close, I don’t want to be the collateral damage of his chastisement.
I groaned. “Emmett, that was really disrespectful and, probably sacrilegious, and I don’t know, just …wrong. Promise me you’ll behave in church.”
“When don’t I behave?” He asked with a grin.
--V&V--
We were seated in a pew near the back of Saint James Cathedral, and I was on the end, just in case I felt the need to make a quick exit. Emmett was seated right next to me, then Rose and Charlie. Emmett only attended Mass during the Christmas season, and had only been in this Cathedral four times, but that had been enough to make a lasting impression.
At home, Emmett’s nonsense didn’t even seem to phase Father Pat. He usually just shrugged it off. But here, the man of cloth in charge was an Archbishop. That’s just a hop, skip, and a jump from the Pope, and I had no desire to be ex-communicated because my brother was an asstard.
During the processional, as the Archbishop walked past, he took notice of Emmett, and I swear I saw him flinch.
Yeah, he remembers.
Unbelievably, Emmett actually behaved. Emmett, and for that matter Rose and Charlie were all so exhausted from the night before that, if they hadn’t had their eyes open, I would have sworn they were all asleep.
I stopped paying attention to my family soon after the Archbishop’s sermon was over, because that was just about the time that the little boy directly in front of me got bored. His parents must have been suffering from massive hangovers, because I swear if that kid had set himself on fire, they wouldn’t have noticed.
He started simply, just pulling out all the empty donation envelopes and folding them up, maybe he knew origami? Stuffing them in his pockets. When he got tired of doing that, he started playing with his shoelaces, then he took off his little dress shoes, then his socks. Then he put the socks back on, then he proceeded to lick the bottoms of his shoes.
Ew, gross.
I actually found it a little amusing when he took the folded envelopes and shoved them down the front of his pants, which made him look like he was hung like a porn star. But then, when he pulled all the envelopes out that he’d stuffed down the front and back of his pants, unfolded them, and placed them back in the rack for the next unsuspecting churchgoer, I felt a little nauseous.
The grand finale was the worst part of all, he started picking his nose. I sat there horrified because I realized that the time to exchange the ’sign of peace’ was fast approaching.
No way in Hell was I shaking hands with Mister booger fingers.
Of course, Emmett chose that exact moment to start paying attention again. Little booger fingers extended his hand to me, wanting to shake. There on the end of his finger rested the result of his mining expedition. Big and nasty.
Emmett couldn’t understand why I was ignoring the kid, and grabbed my right hand, trying to force the handshake. I couldn’t take it any more, and for the first time ever, my verbal filter failed me in Church.
“EMMETT NO! THAT KID HAS A BOOGER THE SIZE OF JUPITER ON HIS FINGER, I CAN’T SHAKE HIS HAND!
FROM NOW ON THE SAME RULE APPLIES IN CHURCH AS ON AIRPLANES, DON’T SIT NEAR ANY FUCKING CHILDREN!”
As quickly as the words left my mouth, I slapped my hand over it, and my eyes bugged out of my head. My entire family and everyone within range of my declaration looked at me with horrified expressions, as if they’d just witnessed a decapitation.
I slithered down into the seat as low as I could go, keeping my eyes on the floor, biding my time until I could make my escape. Then I heard Emmett’s voice low in my right ear.
“You just made this the best day ever.”
Fuck My Life.
--V&V--
I sulked for a long time after the Cathedral fiasco. I could tell that Dad and Rose felt sorry for me, but Emmett was on cloud nine. For once, he wasn’t the one in the dog house after a visit to church.
Edward’s arrival cheered me up considerably, that is until Emmett relayed the ‘booger story’, and they both laughed for five minutes. I worried my lip as I thought about my much-needed visit to the confessional with Father Pat.
I wonder if saying the ‘F’ word in Church gives you an automatic ticket to Hell?
I was in my kitchen cooking dinner when Edward sidled up to me.
“What’s wrong Bella?”
“I think I’m going to Hell.” I said matter-of-factly.
Edward started laughing again. “I doubt it Bella. You’re too good a person.”
“Edward, I said the ’F’ word in Church, in front of children!”
“Would it help if I told you my most embarrassing story ever?” He asked sweetly.
“I guess so.” I responded in a weak voice.
“Let’s see, when I was twelve, my friends dared me to sneak into a neighbor’s yard with them one night, and skinny dip in their pool. The neighbors were out of town, and the deal was that we would each take a turn accepting the dare.“
“I was so gullible that I decided to go first. I stripped and cannon-balled into the cold pool water. When I came up for air, I saw my friends grab my clothes and run out of the yard, laughing their asses off.”
“I chased them down the street, hoping no one would see me, trying to get my clothes back. And, I was freezing. As luck would have it, I had to pass by the house of a girl I had a crush on.”
“Oh no.” I covered my smile with my hand.
“Oh yes.” He grinned. “She was out on her porch greeting friends because, as I found out later, she was hosting a slumber party. I’m sorry to say that those girls got a glimpse of the Full Monty.” He hesitated before he continued.
“What Edward?” I was curious as to why he stopped.
“I don‘t know if I should tell you the most embarrassing part.” He looked sheepish.
“Oh come on Edward.” I couldn‘t imagine what would be more embarrassing than what he‘d already said.
“Well, I have to admit that I‘m not hurting in the size department, but because the air was really cold, and I was completely freaked out….” He coughed. “Let’s just say that those girls were less than impressed.” He chuckled.
I can’t believe Edward’s telling me about his peen. Don’t get side-tracked Bella, you’re supposed to laugh at his story now.
I giggled.
“I gave up trying to catch my friends, and headed for home. There on the front porch was a small stack of clothing and a note, from Alice of course. She reminded me that she had tried to talk me out of going, but I wouldn’t listen. She’d left the clothes to spare me any further embarrassment.”
Creepy psychic powers again.
I realized that I was feeling a lot better, probably due more to Edward’s presence than his story, so that by the time we sat down to eat in Rose and Emmett‘s dining room, I was feeling almost human again.
Rose and I had prepared our New Year‘s Day ‘good luck’ foods, along with several side dishes. I went with my mother’s traditional ham, and Rose made the traditional Southern black-eyed peas.
Emmett jumped up from his seat. “I’m just going to put on some ‘holiday’ music.”
That was weird. Emmett was never one to voluntarily play Christmas music. The next thing I heard was:
What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps
Rose dropped her face into her hands and muttered. “I’m so glad we only eat black-eyed peas once a year.”
--V&V--
After dinner, it was time for Dad to head back to Forks. He’d promised Deputy Mark that He’d take over for him tonight.
Charlie seemed unusually emotional as he hugged Rose goodbye. “I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re ‘officially’ joining the family Rose, but I hope you know that I already think of you as my daughter.”
At that, Rose’s waterworks started again. “Damn it Charlie!” She laughed through her tears, and hugged him goodbye.
Dad kissed me, hugged Emmett, and then shook Edward’s hand.
“Remember Edward, you name the time and place, I’ll be there. You have my numbers.” I wanted to laugh, but Charlie sounded so ‘official’.
Operation ‘Meet Clint’ now commencing.
After Charlie left, Edward and I went back to my apartment. “So. The photo-shoot was rescheduled for tomorrow morning, and I promised you a car ride tomorrow afternoon.”
“Yes?” I was curious as to where this was going.
“Let’s go out.” He stated.
“Out where?” I asked.
“I have a few ideas.” He grinned and took my hand. “Change into your jeans and a hoodie.”
Edward retrieved a bag he had stowed by the front door, and changed into his jeans, hoodie and baseball cap.
I chuckled when I saw him. “Much less recognizable Mr. Masen.”
We ended up at the old Majestic Bay theatre. I laughed. “Wow, we’re going to the movies?” I said incredulously.
“I thought it might be fun.”
“Okay, but I get to pick.” I knew exactly what we were going to see.
“I want to see Time Stands Still.”
Edward groaned.
Time Stands Still was Edward’s newest movie. It had been released right around Thanksgiving, and I hadn’t had a chance to see it yet. Rose and I had planned to go during Christmas, but we all know how that turned out.
“I haven’t seen it yet Edward. I wanna go!” I whined like a petulant child.
He laughed at my silliness, and finally acquiesced.
I wouldn’t let him buy my ticket, that would make this too much like a ‘date’, and we hadn’t had our talk yet.
I decided that going to the movies with Edward was better than going with Rose, and a thousand times better than going with Emmett. As a matter of fact, I quit going with Emmett about a year ago.
That was because, during our last visit to a movie theatre, Emmett got bored. To cure his boredom, he decided to throw pieces of popcorn at some guys head, three rows in front of us. In Emmett‘s words, he was “trying to hit the bald spot“.
We were not-so-politely asked to leave the theatre. I could have broken his arm off, and beaten him over the head with it that day. I never did see the end of the movie.
This time, I had Edward’s arm around my shoulder, and got to snuggle against him, it was heaven. Well, that is until Edward’s character abruptly and unexpectedly, died. I was shattered. I started to cry. I was inconsolable.
Why didn’t I know that was going to happen? Because you’re always talking to yourself instead of paying attention dip shit.
Edward finally had to lead me out to the lobby. He’d been able to keep his anonymity up until that point, but I screwed it up with my wailing. I noticed several teens, mostly girls, chattering excitedly while watching us. I also saw them pull out cell phones and start snapping photos.
Oh great, I’m going to be all over the internet with a snotty nose.
We escaped to the car, Sidney guiding the way.
“Bella, are you okay?” Edward asked with an amused expression.
“You died.” I wiped my nose on my hoodie.
“Bella, it was just a movie.” He tried to console.
Just then I made my decision. “Edward, this is really important, you can’t die, promise me. You can‘t leave me.” I was acting so childishly, but I didn’t care.
Edward chuckled as he hugged me. “I promise Bella. I’ll try my best to stay alive so that we can be together. Better now?”
“Yeah, it just came as a terrible shock you know?”
“Maybe I should have warned you.”
“No, it’s okay, I’m just being silly.”
“And I love you for it Miss Swan.”
“I love you too Mr. Movie Sar.” I grinned.
--V&V--
I was sitting on a bench in the dome of the Seattle Aquarium, watching the ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ at his photo-shoot. He was wearing one of the suits Alice had sent over, and he looked yummy.
*Sigh* Bella you are one lucky bitch.
I had to agree. Although ‘lucky’ was never a word I’d associated with my self, until now.
So far this morning, Edward had had his photo taken at the Space Needle, in front of an old fire station, here at the Aquarium, and, my personal favorite, out at the Bell Street Pier with the Seattle skyline behind him.
He seemed to draw a crowd wherever he went, but I had to admit that the magazine had done a great jobbing keeping them away from Edward. That, and I also noticed Sidney keeping a close eye on the bystanders.
I wonder if he used to be Secret Service, or maybe C.I.A.? Good grief Bella, not everyone you meet has led some sort of ‘secret life’.
Truth was, I couldn’t wait for this to be over, so that Edward would take me for a ride in the Vanquish. As the time got closer, it was all I could think of.
I had mentioned it to Rose this morning, and for the first time in my life, I saw what appeared to be a ’jealous’ expression on her face. Rose never got jealous of anything or anybody. She had no reason to be. She got precisely anything and everything she ever wanted, because she was Rose. Well, not everything apparently, because I’m pretty fucking certain she doesn’t own a Vanquish.
I chuckled as I remembered.
“What are you thinking about Miss Swan?” Edward had snuck up beside me again. He really missed his calling, he would make a perfect Ninja.
“To be honest, Mister Masen, I was thinking about that fuckawesome car ride.” I grinned.
“Well, everything is wrapped up here, shall we go?” And like the perfect gentleman he was, he offered his arm to me.
And a fuckawesome car ride it was. Well, all except the first five minutes in which I forgot to buckle my seatbelt and, as soon as Edward came to a stop at the end of his parent’s driveway, I slid off the slick leather seat onto the floor.
I sat there for a few minutes laughing at myself, while Edward, all in a tizzy, tried to ascertain whether I was laughing or crying, and if I’d hurt myself.
After I pulled myself together and buckled in properly this time, we were off. The car rode like a dream, and purred like a kitten. The next thing I knew, I’d fallen asleep.
I woke abruptly to find we’d stopped. Edward had parked the car beside a beautiful lake. We’d driven all the way to the Olympic National Park, and I‘d slept through it all.
“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. I fell asleep.”
Edward laughed lightly. “I think you needed it Bella, it’s been a very busy, long week.”
I smiled. “Yes it has. Full of surprises.”
“Not all unwelcome I hope?” He asked.
“Definitely not Edward. You are the perfect surprise. You’re better than all my Christmases and birthdays wrapped into one.”
A smile lit up his gorgeous face.
“Do you realize that my hometown is on the other side of this park?” I smiled thinking about my Dad, and how funny he’d been during the last couple days.
Edward returned my smile and shook his head.
It suddenly hit me that I only had a couple days left with Edward before he returned to California, and we needed to have one more serious conversation about my past before then.
“I think.” I started. “I think I’d like to tell you the rest of my story now, if that’s okay?”
His face grew serious, and he held my hand. “Anything you want Bella.”
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