Why did I drink so much? Bella, Just Say No.
I could feel Edward beside me, but I couldn’t force my eyes open.
There are those damn chimes again. Hey, I know that sound.
I then realized that sound signaled an incoming text.
Who the hell texts someone at, um, whatever the hell time it is, when they’re on vacation?
After a few more minutes, I sucked up the pain and pried an eye open and felt around for my phone. I found it on the floor beside the bed.
Three text messages. I opened the first.
Sa Da Tay!
What?
Not being able to make sense of that one, I opened the next one.
Wa Da Tah
?
Sine Your Pitty On the Runny Kine
What the fuck? Have I woken up in a parallel universe where they speak an alien language?
I must have still been a little drunk, and a lot disoriented.
Maybe reading them out loud will help you to understand Bella?
It was worth a try.
“Sa Da Tay.” I said, feeling kind of stupid. “Wah Da Tah”
Oh geesh
“Sine your pitty on the runny kine.”
I heard Edward mutter in a groggy voice “That is the weirdest fucking thing I’ve ever woken up to. Is there a reason that you’re quoting Pootie Tang Bella?”
Pootie Tang. Emmett. Of course.
“I got these strange text messages in Pootie Tang-speak. You can guess who sent them.” I whispered as I laid back.
“Had to be Emmett.” Edward answered without opening his eyes.
“It just figures that he’d be bored the same morning I had the worst hangover of my life.” I whispered.
Just then the phone rang.
I am about to become an only child.
“Emmett, why are you calling me this early?” I whisper yelled.
“Bellaboo!” He boomed. “What do you mean early? It’s almost eleven o’clock.”
“Thanks for clearing that up.” I muttered sarcastically.
“I got bored. Rose is at work. What are you doing today?” He asked expectantly.
“After I cure my hangover, I think Edward and I are having lunch with Johnny Depp.”
“Hangover?“ He chuckled.
Laugh it up ass wipe.
“I think I’m coming with Rose this weekend. My underwear shoot isn’t until next week.” He added.
“That will be fun.” For him.
Guaranteed to be embarrassing for me.
“Okay Bellaboo. Have fun with Captain Jack.” He laughed.
“Thanks Em. See you Friday.” I hung up. I rolled toward Edward. He had his head propped on his hand watching me.
“Your brother’s coming too?” He asked, bleary eyed.
“Seems like it. He hates being away from Rose.” I answered quietly.
“I can relate.” He smirked.
“What? You miss Rose? She’ll be so flattered to hear that.” I teased.
“You know what I mean Miss Swan.” He smiled painfully.
Miss Swan. I seem to remember something about a Mrs. Cullen as I was falling asleep.
Game face Bella. Game face!
An hour later we were cleaned up and dressed a la Alice. Even hung-over that girl was more magician than stylist. You would never have known that Edward and I were still suffering from last night.
We were meeting Johnny at a very exclusive restaurant. The paps weren’t allowed anywhere near this place. After lunch, we were picking up the Vanquish and driving to Laguna Beach.
Alice had packed my bag again, refusing to let me peek.
I bet while growing up, Alice loved playing with her Barbie dolls as much as Rose did. Now they play Bella Barbie.
We were sitting in the restaurant, waiting for Johnny. My butterflies were in command of my stomach. I was certain I wouldn’t be able to eat. Although when I thought about that I realized I was starving. I hadn’t eaten anything since the restaurant last night.
The waitress asked for our drink order. Edward winced when I asked for a bloody Mary.
“Edward, didn’t you know that the best cure for a hangover is a little alcohol? You know, hair of the dog and all that.” I said smugly.
It can’t hurt, because right now I feel like shit. There’s no way to go but up.
I was halfway through my drink, and my stomach was about to eat itself when Johnny arrived.
Edward introduced me, and I found that my tongue was trapped, perhaps permanently, behind my teeth.
Fuck me. He’s almost as edible as Edward. Crap, Edward’s glaring at me. Must drink.
While Edward and Johnny spoke about their upcoming projects, I seemed to find the inside of my bloody Mary glass to be the most fascinating thing in the room.
Bella, snap out of it. How many times are you going to have lunch with Johnny freakin Depp?
“I’ve got a shoot in England starting in a couple of weeks, should last a month.” Edward was speaking.
“I have a home there, but we’re heading back to the farm in France when we leave L.A. I want a little family time before I start filming again.” Johnny remarked.
Edward should buy a place in Europe. I’m going to suggest it. Then he could take me there and make sweeeet love to me. This drink is really smooth.
Johnny turned to me. “So Bella, you’re from Seattle right?”
O my hell. Johnny freakin Depp is addressing me. Shut the fuck up!
I put on my most unaffected smile. “I live in Seattle, but I’m actually from a little town near the west coast of Washington called Forks.” Edward was smiling, no doubt proud that I could string two words together.
I continued. “My Dad is the chief of police.”
Johnny looked surprised. “That’s interesting. So were you a goody goody kid or a trouble maker?” He said with a mischievous smile.
I must have looked confused. “It’s just that I’ve found that cop’s kids are usually one extreme or the other. The same can be said for the children of clergymen I suppose.” Johnny chuckled.
Why is Johnny making me think this hard? My head still fucking hurts. I need more alcohol. Where is that waitress? Probably using the bathroom, then she’ll forget to wash her hands, and then she’ll touch our food. Ick. What a dumb bitch.
Edward, aware that I’d completely zoned out, patted my hand “I’m sure that Bella was a very good child.”
I nodded and smiled.
Damn right I was. Johnny needs to stop making up shit about me. He’s really not acting like a good friend.
I looked around. There were a lot of Hollywood’s beautiful people scattered at tables all around us. Maybe it was my imagination, but I swear all the females had their eyes trained on our table.
That’s right bitches, I’m having lunch with the two hottest guys in Hollywood. Sucks to be you.
The waitress finally hauled her germ-ridden ass back to our table. I gave her a dirty look as we ordered our food, and I ordered another drink. Edward’s pointed glare told me he didn’t approve of the drink or of the way I was treating the waitress.
Pfftt. Edward needs to know that she’s probably spreading hepatitis as we speak, and that alcohol is good for Bella when having lunch with Johnny. Otherwise Bella can’t function.
The second bloody Mary was even smoother.
I’m still starving. Where is my food? At least a celery stick came with my drink.
“We really should look into doing a project together.” Johnny was speaking to Edward. “Maybe something with Rodriguez directing.”
Rodriguez…. Roddy bo boddy fe fi fo foddy. That sounds dumb. Johnny bo bonny fe fi fo fonny. Better. Eddie bo beddy fe fi fo feddy.
If I don’t eat soon I’m going to die.
“How long will you be in California Bella?”
Oh shit. Johnny’s talking to me again. Um.
“I fly back on Sunday.” I answered mechanically.
I don’t know what day it is right now, but I know I go home Sunday. Johnny is testing me, seeing if I can handle my liquor. Still wants to put me in that bad cop kid category. I don’t think so Mr. Willy Wonka. Humph.
At that moment our food arrived.
“Oh thank fuck!” I exclaimed loudly. “We’ve been waiting so fucking long that I assumed they had a one-armed chef!“
Johnny’s eyes opened wide in surprise, but he was grinning. I couldn’t see Edward’s face because it was covered by his hands.
He must still have a headache. I told him to drink. He should always listen to me, or was that Alice? Oh yeah, he should always listen to Alice. But he could listen to me once in a while, it wouldn’t kill him. But hepatitis could.
“Don’t eat that!” I shouted at Edward, suddenly remembering the waitress’s terrible rest room habits. “Edward, that waitress may be spreading hepatitis or E. coli or maybe diphtheria.” I whispered.
“Bella, what are you talking about?” Edward whispered back.
“I don’t think she washes her hands after she tinkles.” I said as I nodded knowingly.
“Bella, did you follow her to the ladies room?” I shook my head. “No, you didn’t.” Then he turned to Johnny, who was looking very amused. “I’m sorry, she’s not really used to alcohol.”
Why is Edward telling Johnny that? You know what? I don’t care. I need to inhale this entire plate of food before I wither away.
I started woofing down my veggie wrap.
I don’t even care if I get the plague. Starvation would kill me faster.
“It’s okay Edward. I understand that you guys have had a crazy couple of weeks. Now you can finally relax a little.” Johnny said in an understanding tone.
See, Edward should be drinking, it would help him to relax, even Johnny thinks so.
I watched Edward while he ate. More specifically, I watched his lips.
I need to kiss him right now.
I leaned over and kissed Edward right on the, well, right on the kisser. He looked really surprised. I giggled.
Johnny shook his head and chuckled.
Sorry Johnny, no matter how cute and adorable you are, I’m not kissing you. I’m a one woman man, or is that a one man woman? Eh, whatever.
Edward started laughing to himself.
Must be a private joke between him and Johnny. I’ll ask Edward to tell me later.
When our herpes-ridden waitress reappeared I tried to order another drink, but Edward talked me out of it.
“Bella, if you forgo the alcohol, I’ll treat you to dessert. I hear the cheesecake is exceptional.” He hit me with the full force of his panty-dropping smile.
What were we talking about?
I couldn’t think. “Whatever you say Edward.” I smiled.
He ordered the desserts. I crossed my fingers hoping we didn’t catch a disease.
Herpes would be a terrible thing. Edward and I don’t want herpes. I don’t want anything to damage the peen before I’ve even had the chance to try it out.
I looked over to see Johnny smiling at me. I felt myself blush.
Does Johnny know I was just thinking about Edward’s peen? Wipe that smug smile right off your face you Ed Wood cross-dressing motherfucker.
Edward and I ended up sharing our desserts. He ordered some towering fudge cake, or as I prefer to call it, three layers of chocolate sin. I stole so many bites of his cake that he finally switched our desserts, and he ate the cheesecake.
Edward and Johnny continued talking about finding a project together. Johnny would be back in Europe in a couple of weeks, and would touch base with Edward again then.
We said our goodbyes, and headed for the exit. I stopped Edward before the door because I really needed to pee.
I leaned up and kissed him again. “I’m going to the ladies room, I’ll just be a minute.”
He watched me worriedly.
Jeebus, what can happen between here and the bathroom? Edward is so silly.
I did my business and exited the stall, making sure to wash my hands. Just then, in the mirror, I saw our waitress exit the stall next to mine. She didn’t even glance in my direction before walking out, WITHOUT WASHING HER FUCKING HANDS!
I knew it.
--V&V--
“I think I may have narcolepsy.” I stated as I stretched my arms.
We were in the Vanquish, on our way to Laguna Beach and I’d slept almost the whole way there.
“Bella, you don’t have narcolepsy.” Edward said as he smiled.
“I don’t know Edward, every time I ride in a Vanquish, I fall asleep.” I grinned at him.
“I’m not surprised after all that alcohol.” He muttered under his breath.
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.” I said with an arched glare. “Maybe I just have carcolepsy?”
Because Vanquisholepsy sounds stupid.
He laughed as he shook his head. He reached over taking my hand in his, and held it between us. “I don’t know how I’ll survive a whole month without you Bella.” He smiled sadly.
“Edward, we were apart for a month after Valentine’s Day.” I reminded him.
“That’s true, but I knew that at any time I could hop a plane and be there in about three hours. England is so far…” He drifted off.
“It will be okay Edward. It’s your career. We’ll make due.” I tried to sound comforting.
“Bella.” He glanced at me with a serious expression. “I know this isn’t an option, I guess I’m just curious.”
“What Edward?”
“I just wondered, if you were through with school, would you have considered going to England with me? I mean if I’d asked?” He looked nervous about my answer.
“Yes I would have gone. Would you have asked?”
“Absolutely Bella. I always want to be with you. Now that I have you, it doesn’t feel right when we’re apart. Aside from just plain missing you, I also worry all the time whether or not you’re okay.” He sighed.
“You shouldn’t, you’ll get worry lines. Then you’ll be out of a job.“ I tried to lighten the mood.
He smiled and shook his head.
When we arrived at the hotel, I was unprepared for just how beautiful it was. Edward had booked a suite at the Ritz Carlton. It was a tiny piece of heaven situated just an hour south of L.A.
“Wow” was my pithy remark upon entering our suite.
I knew being a English major would come in handy.
“You outdid yourself this time Mr. Movie Star.” I smiled broadly.
We still had a couple hours of daylight left, so I talked Edward into a walk on the beach.
“I can’t get over all the colors. I’m used to the grey and green landscapes back home.“ We were walking hand in hand up the beach.
“It is beautiful.“ Edward observed. “It’s funny Bella, I never noticed or cared about any of this stuff before I met you.”
“I understand Edward. I’m definitely looking at the world through different eyes now. It’s kind of incredible.” I smiled at him.
We had a late dinner in our suite. Afterwards, I suggested going down to the hotel bar for a nightcap.
I swear I saw Edward cringe at the mention of alcohol. That boy sure can’t hold his liquor. It’s sad really.
“Bella, if I agree to this you have to promise just one drink and then we come back to the room okay?”
“Sure Edward, that would be fine.” I smiled as I shrugged. “Edward, be honest, are you afraid you’ll get drunk and do something embarrassing?”
“Exactly Bella. I live in fear of doing something embarrassing. That’s why I wouldn’t drink during our lunch today.”
Do I hear a hint of sarcasm in his voice? Must be my imagination.
I thought about what he’d said. “Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m the only one who drank then.”
Edward rubbed his chin with his hand while looking down into my eyes. “Or maybe it’s a good thing that you’re so damned endearing when you’re tipsy.”
Huh?
I looked at Edward, confused. “Don’t worry about it Bella.” He said as he pecked me on the lips. “Let’s go get that drink.”
The bar had live music, which was a pleasant surprise. Our ‘one drink’ quickly became two as Edward and I enjoyed the secluded atmosphere and the good music. He even got me to dance. The alcohol helped with that.
“You look lonely little lady, how about a dance?” I heard a sugary simpering voice say, entirely too close to my ear.
The hair on the back of my neck stood out. Edward had left me alone for just a moment while he went to the rest room.
I looked up to see the sleazy person that went with the voice. At some point in my life, I probably would have thought him mildly attractive. Unfortunately for him, I now compared everyone to Edward and he, sadly, came up short.
“No thanks, I’m here with someone.” I answered politely. Despite the alcohol, I could feel myself getting nervous. I needed Mr. Sleazy to take the hint and go.
“Funny, I don’t see anyone here.” He pressed, as he leaned in a little closer. So close, in fact, that I could smell the liquor and cigarettes on his breath. I could feel myself starting to get nervous.
“He’s just left for a moment.”
Why the hell am I explaining myself to this jerk?
“If he cared, he would know not to leave a gorgeous little thing like you alone. Besides, I don’t see a ring so he mustn’t be that committed. No ring tells me that you’re open to new possibilities.” He said as he leaned in even closer.
I leaned away as far as the small space by the wall allowed.
Where the hell does this loser get his lines?
I suddenly had a brainstorm. A sure fire way to ditch this jerk. Act crazy.
“Sa da tay?” I asked him.
Sleazy gave me a funny look, like he was expecting me to give him the punch line to a joke.
Ah, got your attention now Sleazy McSleazmeister.
“Wah Da Tah.” I continued.
Thank God for Emmett sending me those stupid texts.
By this time Sleazeman wasn’t sure what to think of me.
“Sine your pitty on the runny kine.” I said seriously.
Sleazeburger looked at me like I was crazy.
Bingo.
“Excuse me.” Edward said as he grabbed Mr. Sleazy’s shoulder, moving him away from me. “Would you kindly step away from my girlfriend, before I have you forcibly removed?”
Sleazy took one look at Edward’s angry expression and put his hands up in surrender. “Hey man, I didn’t mean anything. No blood no foul right?” He smiled at Edward. “You really should keep a better eye on your girlfriend if you want to keep her.” He glanced at me again.
“On second thought, she’s all yours. That chick is a little too strange for me.” He shook his head as he walked away.
I tried to look offended.
“Bella, is it possible, or could I have just imagined that you were using Pootie Tang-speak to get that guy to leave?” He had a weird puzzled smile on his beautiful face.
“Wa Da Tah.” I said, smiling.
He sat down staring at me with a look of amazed wonder. I responded the only way I knew how, I jumped in his lap and kissed the shit out of him. Our lips were still locked when Edward started laughing.
He pulled away looking at me with a smile. “Bella, I’ve always found you amusing, but the drinking has unlocked a whole other side of you. But, be that as it may, we’re calling a moratorium on alcohol until Friday.”
I made a pouty face.
“Come on Drunkella, time to go.” He smiled as he took my hand. “It’s been a long day.”
“Sa Da Tay.” I agreed as I took his hand.
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