I cleared my throat. “I guess maybe I’d like to talk about why I’m here.“
Dr. Miller smiled and nodded encouragingly.
“Well, you see, I’m getting married, and I know that a few appointments with a therapist won’t be a ‘magic fix’, but I need to do something. Edward worries about me so much. I want to do this for him. To show him how much our relationship means to me. I want to be the best person I can be, for him.” I trailed off.
I watched as Dr. Miller bit her lip while she thought. “Bella, those are all good reasons, but, I would also hope that Edward loves you enough to want you to do this for you.“
“A very large part of getting well is learning to love yourself, and in order to get there, the first step is learning to like yourself.”
“Do you like yourself Bella?”
I was a little taken aback. I thought about the question.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have to think long. For years, I’d never understood why people chose to spend time with me. Rose, Emmett, even my Dad. How could I like myself? I was a freak, afraid of my own shadow most days.
I wasn’t witty, or fun to be around, I was also the most accident-prone person I knew. And last but certainly not least, I didn’t consider myself to be very attractive. Even the months with Edward, hadn’t changed my opinion in that regard.
Edward.
Try as I might, I would never understand what Edward saw in me.
I looked down at my lap, and answered Dr. Miller’s question with a shake of my head.
“Okay” Dr. Miller said quietly. “Bella, I have a feeling that when you really get to know Isabella Swan, you’re going to discover that you do like her. There are a number of people who think that she’s quite a lovely girl, and I don’t believe they can all be wrong. Wouldn’t you agree?”
This time I nodded as I smiled softly at Dr. Miller.
Kim, as I was instructed to address her, went on to ask a few questions about what in my life made me the happiest. All my answers revolved around Edward, my family and my writing.
She wanted to know what I expected to get out of these sessions.
She never asked about my mother, or mentioned the most horrific day of my life. I assumed that would be a topic for a later date.
Before I left, she asked that I write down ten things that I like about myself, and then write ten things that other people like about me, before attending my next appointment.
I realized that it would be a struggle to fulfill the first half of that assignment.
--V&V--
After leaving Dr. Miller’s office, I had Lou take me to the grocery store. I hadn’t been there since returning from England, and my cupboards had gotten quite bare. I decided that if I didn’t want to eat oatmeal three times a day, I needed to stock up.
Mother’s Day, Sunday May 9th
I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the sign.
Why didn’t I realize this was coming up?
I knew the answer. Partly because England had already celebrated Mother’s Day before I visited, so there were no advertisements to warn me. The other reason would be that I’d been absorbed in school and Edward, pretty much excluding all intrusions from the outside world.
I suddenly wished I had waited until Monday to do my shopping. This holiday was difficult for me. Not only because I had to witness the collective happiness of everyone that still had a mother to share it with. But also, for the rest of my life I will remember this as being the last holiday I was able to celebrate with my mother before she was brutally murdered less than a week later.
Not paying attention to what I was buying, I started to toss things in the cart.
Fuck buying cereal, because I refuse to go down the same aisle where the greeting cards are displayed.
When I got home, I realized what a piss poor shopping job I’d done. After my shower, I settled on my bed with pop tarts and a glass of milk for my dinner.
Bored with the standard line-up of television programs, I turned on an entertainment channel to pass the time.
Realizing that I didn’t give a shit whether or not Lindsey Lohan went to jail, I was just about to change the channel when the simpering co-host announced: “Coming up right after the break, don’t miss our interview with Hollywood heartthrob Edward Masen on location in London.”
I sat impatiently through the commercials, swinging my leg along the side of the bed which caused me to bounce slightly as I waited.
I’m such a thirteen year old fan girl.
My breath caught in my throat when the show came back on and my beautiful fiance’s face filled the screen. There Edward sat in his hotel suite, looking all kinds of sexy.
Rose came floating into my bedroom just as Edward started talking. She grinned and sat down on the bed beside me. Most of the questions pertained to the film, but then, toward the end of the interview, Edward was asked a couple of personal questions.
We had discussed how to handle the news of our engagement before I left. I had convinced Edward that it would be better if we told the press the news ourselves rather than have them dig for details from a third party. We decided that the questions would no longer be taboo if asked in a formal interview setting.
In other words, the paparazzi can still eat shit and die.
“So Edward, I hear that this past weekend was an exciting one?”
Edward smiled and nodded his head. “Would you care to share the details with your adoring fans?”
The camera stayed on Edward’s smiling face. “Yes, I guess so. Um” Edward blew out a breath. I watched as he pulled up his sleeves, and raked his hand through his hair.
He was making sure that if I saw this interview, I wouldn’t miss the bracelet. I grasped Rose’s arm. She looked at me and tilted her head in confusion.
“That bracelet, we bought that to go with my ring. It’s his engagement symbol.”
Her eyebrows shot up in awareness.
“Last week, my girl, my beautiful Bella surprised me with a visit.” Edward started. It was obvious that he was not comfortable with sharing personal information.
“You had no idea she was coming?” The interviewer questioned.
Edward shook his head. “None. It was the perfect surprise.” He said quietly. “But the best part of the week was on Saturday when I proposed, and she said yes.“
He smiled that same beautiful smile he had that night. I could feel the lump forming in my throat. Rose reached over and grabbed my hand, squeezing it.
“Congratulations Edward. Although I’m sure that more than one young woman will be crying herself to sleep tonight.”
Edward laughed. “I don’t know what to say except that I am very happily ’off the market’.” He answered with a smile.
The interview was over, and the show went on to cover more important topics such as The Situation’s love life. I shut off the TV.
Rose beamed at me. “My God Bella. That boy is sexy and sweet and just so adorable.” She laughed, and I laughed with her.
It was moments like this that made me want to hug myself.
After a minute her demeanor changed.
“I came over to check on you. How did your appointment go today?” She asked seriously.
“It went well. Dr. Miller is really laid back. I felt comfortable from the moment I sat down. I think this will be good for me.” I sighed. “The last therapist immediately wanted to talk about Mom’s death. I dreaded every visit. Mind you, I was in a very bad place mentally when I started going there.”
Rose nodded in agreement. She rubbed my arm. “You say that it went well, and yet I find you here eating pop tarts in bed, looking exhausted.”
I blew out a breath. “Mother’s Day kind of took me by surprise, that‘s all.”
Rose winced as I said this, and I saw her eyes fill with tears.
As a rule, Rose never cries.
“I’m so sorry honey. I wish I could make everything better for you and my monkey man, I really do.” She said through her tears. “Would you look at me. I’m what my Mama would call a ‘hot mess’” She blurted out a laugh.
I smiled and hugged her.
“I’m so damned emotional lately. I really hope I’m not losing my edge.” She said with a grin.
“I don’t think so Rose.” I smiled again. “Thank you.”
“Any time sweetie.” She said as she winked. “Well, I’m going to keep Emmett company tonight. We’re having a Mark Wahlberg movie marathon.”
“Which movies?” I was curious.
“Well, let’s see, Invincible of course, that was your brother’s choice. Next will probably be Four Brothers. Then The Italian Job. Boogie Nights is officially banned, for obvious reasons.“ She smirked. “If I get sleepy, I’m staying in our guest room, so don’t worry if you don’t see me.”
I chuckled. “Goodnight Rose.”
“Goodnight Bells.”
I checked the time. It was only about four in the morning in England. After I brushed my teeth, I logged on to skype, knowing that Edward would join me as soon as he woke up.
Giving myself the night off from homework, I started to channel surf. I almost watched Chocolat, but Johnny Depp lost out to Mrs. Miniver.
World War II is just the thing to take my mind off my troubles.
Of course, by the time it reached the final scene in which the town vicar made his famous speech from the pulpit, I was a blubbering mess.
What the hell is wrong with me today?
One glance at the calendar, and I had my answer. There was never a convenient time to have PMS, but already being screwed up because of Mother’s Day was going to make this one miserable weekend.
Because of my inept attempt at shopping, I’d not remembered to buy pads or tampons, so I knew I’d be borrowing from Rose.
I’d rather do that, than have to go shopping again before Monday.
I shut off the TV and pulled out a notebook and pen, deciding I’d start listing things I liked about myself, per Dr. Miller’s instructions.
Number 1. I think I’m a pretty good cook.
That was easy. Maybe there are ten things I like about myself.
Which immediately made me want to watch Ten Things I Hate About You. Unfortunately, that movie was over in Rose’s apartment, and besides, it would just make me sad to see Heath Ledger. I sighed and continued my list.
Number 2. …..
Ugh, I’ll think about that tomorrow.
I threw the notebook aside. “Hello beautiful, what are you up to?” I heard the only voice which could rescue me from my silly, emotional self. I turned to see Edward’s smiling face watching me from the computer screen.
“Just a little homework.” I said with a sigh. I smiled as I took him in. “I saw your interview tonight.”
His eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Already? Sorry, I would have warned you about that, but it wasn’t supposed to air until next week.”
“I guess they had a slow news night.”
“I suppose. Although, now that I think about it, they probably wanted to be the first to ‘officially’ announce our engagement.” He said with a smirk.
I was certain that Edward was right.
“It made me happy.” I admitted.
He smiled. “I felt weird giving away personal information like that, but maybe they’ll be satisfied now.”
I blurted out a laugh. “They’ll always want more Edward, but I still think it was necessary.” I was quiet for a minute. “You wore your bracelet.”
He grinned. “I don’t take it off, unless I have to, while filming.”
Yeah, my day just got so much better.
“I wanted to check with you about something Bella.”
I looked at him. “What?”
“I thought it would be a good idea to hire someone to care for the house in Oxford, seeing as we’re not planning to live there full time.”
“I agree Edward. Did you have someone in mind already?”
“I’m going to interview a couple of people today. After that I’ve got to film for a few hours this evening. We can talk about it afterwards, it will be late but I still want to see you before I sleep.”
I smiled and nodded. He was so sweet. “Me too.” I thought about what he’d told me. “So you’re going to Oxford today?”
“Yes. Sidney and I are leaving in a bit.”
“Do me a favor?” I asked sweetly.
“Anything sweetheart.”
“Will you have a pint at the Eagle and Child and think of me.”
“Absolutely.” He said with a small smile.
I really wish I was there with him.
“So what’s your schedule after today?” I asked, needing to change the subject.
“Unfortunately, I’ve got to film tomorrow and Monday because I’m scheduled to go to Cannes on Tuesday and Wednesday.”
I was stunned. Edward in Cannes. He’s already so beautiful, he’d be even more beautiful in that setting.
Damn it I wish I could go.
“Will I get to see you in Cannes?” I asked.
“I think I’ll be able to skype, although I don’t know how busy my schedule will be. Jasper’s set me up for several interviews and even a photo shoot.”
Yummy. Photos of Edward in Cannes.
I’m pretty sure my eyes glazed over at that point.
“Bella?” I looked at him and he was smirking. “I think you should probably get some sleep baby.” He murmured.
I yawned as if to reinforce his theory. “Okay” I said with a sigh. “I miss you Edward.”
“Me too sweetheart. I love you. We’ll speak again tonight.”
“I love you too.” I said just before falling asleep.
--V&V--
Emmett came over the next morning. “Hey Bells, do you have plans for this afternoon?”
“No, probably just doing homework, why?” I asked.
He sat down on my sofa as I handed him a cup of coffee. “Rose has us scheduled to taste wedding cakes this afternoon, but now she doesn’t want to go.”
“Why not?” I was surprised.
“She says the thought of wedding cake turns her stomach. She’s a nervous wreck Bells, I’ve never seen her like this. Anyway, she’s sending you and me instead, while she meets with the wedding planner.” He grinned.
I smiled back at him. “I can do that.”
“Great. Be ready by three.”
--V&V--
A little while later, my phone chirped with a text.
B-
As per your request Miss Swan, soon to be Mrs Cullen, I am enjoying a pint at the Eagle And Child.
Miss you terribly.
-E
A minute later, I received photographic proof of his text. There was my gorgeous fiance, smiling as he sat in the pub with his pint.
--V&V--
“Dude, how am I supposed to make a decision when they only give these tiny samples?” Emmett complained.
“Shhh, Emmett did you eat lunch today?” I asked, knowing that wouldn’t make a difference with my brother.
“Yeah, and your point is?” He asks me with a quirked eyebrow.
“Oh, whatever.” I sigh.
After a few samples, he decided on one tier of chocolate cake and one tier of white cake with the top layer to me a marble. No matter how much the baker tried to sway him into considering the different exotic choices, I knew my brother would not change his mind.
If Rose wanted something for the gourmet palate, she should have come instead of sending me.
We were debating over the frosting when Emmett turned to the baker and asked. “So, do you bake really big cakes?”
“Well, Mr. Swan, I’ve baked four tier wedding cakes before, but most people choose the three-tier as you and Miss Whitlock have done.” The baker replied in a friendly tone.
“I’m not talking about wedding cakes. I’m talking about those really big cakes, you know, the kind strippers jump out of.”
Why did I agree to this?
The baker, looking thoroughly insulted, gave a terse reply. “I would not know anything about that Mr. Swan. I doubt there is any baking involved with something like that. My guess would be cardboard is the main ingredient.”
“No shit?” Emmett asked as he pondered this. “It looks so real in the movies.”
I not so subtly kicked Emmett’s shin under the table.
“What?” He asked in an irritated tone.
“Do you have brain damage?” I asked snarkily. “Would you please stop embarrassing me. I may want to use this bakery for my wedding you big doofus.”
Emmett just shrugged. He was still thinking.
He turned back to the baker. “So where do you think I can get something like that? You know, the stripper cake?”
I kicked him again. He leaned toward me. “Cut it out Bells, this is important. I’ve got to plan my bachelor party.” He stage whispered.
Argh.
“I really couldn’t say Mr. Swan. You may want to try an escort service.” He answered haughtily.
I really couldn’t blame him.
“Jesus, are you trying to get me killed Chef Boyardee?” Emmett asked in alarm.
I had to force myself not to chuckle because he was right, this guy did look like the Chef from the can.
“If I were to ever even think about doing that, Rose would kill me. She’d torture me first, then she’d kill me. And if I know her, it would be exceptionally gruesome.” Emmett shuddered as he thought about it.
“All I wanted was a little 4-1-1 on a chick jumping out of a cake, not for me, just for fun, for the other guys.” He blurted. “I don’t want the chick to be naked, because that would be unsanitary, and no one could compare to my Rosie anyway.” He rambled. “But now you’re telling me the cake’s not real, so never mind, I’ll figure that shit out on my own. You know, if you didn’t want my business, you could have just said so. You didn’t have to be a dick.”
“No, no, Mr. Swan, of course we want your business.” The guy answered apologetically. “I’m terribly sorry if I offended you.” His face was red as he cleared his throat. “Did you decide on an icing preference?”
“Yeah, let’s go with that white whipped shit.” Emmett said as he stood and grabbed my hand. “Later Chef.” He bellowed before pulling me out the door.
“Let’s go get some real food.“ He muttered to me.
What the hell just happened?
--V&V--
“So I have to list ten things that I like about myself” I told Emmett.
We were sitting in a sports bar trying to masquerade as a restaurant, because Emmett wanted some ’real food’.
“That should be easy.” Emmett remarked.
I looked at him incredulously. “Easy? Emmett, I’ve only been able to come up with one thing I like about myself.” I told him.
He gave me a skeptical look. “Bella, I wish you could see yourself the way the rest of us do.”
I took a breath. “You can help me with the other part of my assignment.” I said quietly.
He raised his eyebrows in question.
“I have to list ten things other people like about me. I was going to ask you, Rose and Edward to help.”
“Easy. You’re smart. You’re a fantastic cook. You are kind. You’re a great writer. You’re..”
“Okay, okay. That’s enough. I’ve got to leave room for Rose and Edward’s comments.” I grinned at him, then I reached for his hand, laying mine on top. “Thanks Emmett.”
He just shook his head and grinned. Suddenly, where a moment before a baseball game had been blaring from the nearest wide-screen, there was now a commercial reminding everyone to do something special for Mom tomorrow.
Emmett and I sighed at the same time. He moved his hand until it was covering mine and gave it a little squeeze. “If someone had told me seven years later this shit would still hurt this bad, I’d have called them a fucking liar.” He said without meeting my eyes.
I couldn’t answer. A couple minutes later he got a determined look on his face. “Come on. I’ve got an idea.”
As soon as Emmett parked the hummer, I started to shake my head in disbelief. “Emmett do you think this is a good idea.”
He grinned. “I think it’s a great idea.”
After Emmett practically single-handedly kicked all the other teams’ asses at laser tag we went out for a beer. Our last stop of the night.
By this time, we were both in a much better mood. The game of laser tag reminded us of our last real Mother’s Day, seven years before.
“Did we have the coolest Mom or what Bells?” Emmett asked.
“She was definitely unusual.” I smiled. “Remember how excited she was when you flew in on Mother’s Day weekend to surprise her?”
He smiled. “Yep. The look on her face was worth all the airport hassles and lost sleep when I had to return to class on Monday.”
“And then, instead of wanting to do the usual Mother’s Day thing of going out to dinner, our Mom wanted to go play laser tag.” I laughed at the memory. I usually avoided thinking about the days leading up to my mother’s death, but this was actually making me feel better.
“She was so funny. She kept saying ‘Oh Emmett, I thought this was tag. I didn’t know people had to shoot each other. I can’t shoot anyone. These are just a bunch of young kids.’ “ Emmett laughed. “That was until they started shooting at you and me, then she turned into the fucking Terminator.” We were both really laughing by this time.
“Yeah, here you were this big intimidating guy and she was all protective of you. I was laughing so hard at her that I could barely shoot. My score was terrible.” I said as I cracked up.
“She kept yelling at the kids ‘Does your mother know what you’re doing?’.” Emmett gasped through his laughter.
After a while the laughs died down until we both sat quietly, lost in our memories of Mom.
Emmett lifted his glass for a toast. “To Mom.” He whispered.
I clinked my glass against his.
“To Mom.”
After we drank, Emmett looked down while shaking his head. “Fucking Mother’s Day.” He muttered.
--V&V--
The next morning I awoke with terrible cramps.
Shit. I forgot to borrow anything from Rose.
I picked up my cell and phoned her. Emmett was still behaving himself, so she had stayed in their guest room again last night.
“Hey Bells.” She answered in a groggy voice.
“Hi Rose. I’m sorry to bother you this early. I need to borrow some tampons, I’m all out.” I practically whispered.
“Sure, I’ll unlock the door. You can come get what you need.” She said with a yawn.
I brushed my teeth to get rid of my morning breath and threw a robe on over my sweats before trotting across the hall. I found Rose sitting in the living room, a box of tampons in her hand, staring off into space.
I walked over to retrieve the box, but she held it tightly. When she raised her eyes to meet mine, there were tears in them.
“Rose!” I immediately dropped down beside her and put my arm around her shoulders. “What’s happened? What’s wrong?”
She took a deep breath. “I’m late. I’m really, really late.” She said as she turned to look at me.
“Oh shit.” I muttered in my surprise.
She still had tears in her eyes, but she smirked as she spoke in a whisper, “Happy Mother’s Day to me.”
No comments:
Post a Comment